on the tag team championship TLC match:
"I just want to say that no one is getting past me or the other half of the Freedland duo in this match-up. I may have been peaceful and loving during our ASC tenure (in which we got the highest grade...suckahs...), but that time has come to a motherfuckin' CLOSE! I've put up with the goody-two-shoes bullshit from you three (and your motherfucking siblings) long enough. I'm gonna rip off your cock-suckin' arms and beat you bloody with 'em. And I'm gonna punch you in your chests and deflate your motherfuckin' lungs! And I'm gonna rip off your genius, Ivy-league heads and I'm gonna shit down your necks! After all, I may have written the bullshit fluff, but be prepared to fight motherfuckin' tough!!!"
This from a guy who's going to Northwestern and majoring in journalism.
Marianne Madden
on the coffin match:
"I need to prove to Arica that I really, truly, HATE boy bands. Especially Justin, that ugly fucker."
Everybody knows that J.C. is the cute one.
Elvin Lee
on the tag team mud match:
"Me and Mandy, in a mud wrestling ring. It doesn't get better than that. So why 'mess with success' (sorry Henry :P) and put in Katy and Greg?"
Because I'm a sick fuck.
Sarah Madden
on the tag team championship TLC match:
"Seth CANNOT win. This is NOT OKAY. I trust you will take that into consideration. Good evening."
Right...
Adam Riff™
on the fatal four-way hell in the cell main event:
"Who the fuck is Jon Yu? And what the fuck am I doing in the main event? I've never even met the guy. I don't know who he is. Really. Who the fuck is Jon Yu? You got me."
This is a very odd thing, supernatural, for lack of a better word. You raise all sorts of philosophical questions about the nature of self, about the existence of the soul. Am I Jon? Is Yu Yu? I had a piece of wood in my hand, Adam. But I don't have it anymore. Where is it? Did it disappear? How could that be? Is it still in my head? I don't know! Do you see what a metaphysical can of worms this main event is? I don't think I can go on living my life as I have lived it.
Keith Stanski
on the intercontinental championship lumberjack match:
"Nyurk nyurk. Kaeshkwa! Nyearkeloo!"
I couldn't have said it any better.
Ryan Condon
on the first blood match:
"Who the fuck is Jon Yu? And what the fuck am I doing fighting the first lady? I've never even met the guy. I don't know who he is. Really. Who the fuck is Jon Yu? You got me."
This is a very odd thing, superna- Ah, fuck it. Hehe, your last name sounds like "condom." Hehehe.
Dan Means
on the spanking match:
"May 9. Wrestlepalooza. The night I get my sweet revenge in a spanking match against my most hated foe - Christopher Walken. And spank him I shall. I am gonna spank Christopher Walken so hard, it'll leave his rectum red and inflamed, and his cheeks raw and numb. The mere thought of taking my hand and firmly placing it against his evil buttocks is enough to get me fired up. So if you're reading this Mr. Walken, you're days are numbered. You'll pay for all those movies where you played the exact same character, pay for that moronic Fatboy Slim video. THAT WAS MY IDEA! It's payback time, Mr. Walken. Payback.
And another thing, what the heck am I doin' so low on the card?!? I remember back in the day when me an' Walken in a spanking match would headline the biggest venues in the country. I guess the wrestling world really has changed. Now I'm stuck following a kinky mud bath, two midgets in a submission match, and an anti-Semitic bear."
Who says an anti-Semitic bear isn't entertaining? Look, if it makes you feel any better, the non-championship matches on the card are simply listed in alphabetical order.
Claudine Montecillo
on the handicap match:
"Nordstrom is having a sale tomorrow. I need some shoes. Oh, did I tell you? Jude Law is on the cover of the latest People magazine! He is sooo hot."
I see you're thoroughly concerned about your match.
Seth Freedland (again)
on the tag team championship TLC match:
Seth Freedland 1, Sarah Madden 0
I smell a match in the making for next year's Wrestlepalooza.
Jose Antonio Vargas
on the women's championship match:
"Look at me. No...look at me in the eyes! I'm serious. Michelle Kwan is the most elegant and important skater of her generation, and I'm gonna beat that fine ass of hers like Tanya Harding at a fraternity hazing. Bitch."
Cool beans.
Greg Jenkins
on the tag team mud match:
"Greg Jenkins here, and I just wanted to tell you how my mud wrestling match with Katy and Elvin will go (and believe me, I've seen enough WWF PPVs to know; there IS a formula). First off, I've proven many times that I can out-wrestle my girlfriend Katy on many occasions, many of them in public. And although Mandy Moore has probably never hit the triple digits in terms of weight, she will still bring me victory. You see, she obviously doesn't eat, and it's that hunger that will secure the win. Never underestimate the power of a girl who hasn't eaten in days, one who will do anything - and I mean ANYTHING - to survive. Elvin always seemed like a chump to me anyway."
I take it you haven't been watching Survivor lately.
Eileen Hlavka
on the fatal four-way hell in the cell main event:
"The question is not 'who is Jon Yu?'" The question is 'who is Adam Riff™?'"
Who is Eileen Hlavka?
Henry Freedland
on the tag team championship TLC match:
"I...must...let...out...all...of...my...pent...up...aggression. I mean, come on. Follow in SETH'S fuckin' footsteps for your whole life and then see how sane you are. I swear, I will kill every motherfuckin' one of you who has ever called me "Seth's Little Brother." You'll be beggin' the Freedland Bros. for mercy, yes you will; Seth has honed his cheap-ass wrestling moves on me for years and I know how to use 'em even better, you cocksuckers. My shorter (if older) brother and I will beat you senseless the Hebrew Way. We will rip off your heads and shit down your necks! I swear to...uh...Adam Riff™ (close enough, right?) that I WILL get revenge on all of you chode-eaters who dared to CALL ME SETH. WHA-HA-HA-HA-HA...WHA-HA-HA-HA-HA...WHA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"
Brotherly love.
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