Backstage...

Tommy: Tim, aren't you worried that your age might affect your performance in the ring?
Tim: No. I may be thirty-something and past my prime, but I'm not afraid of them. I am a man! Daniel and Fred, on the other hand, are just little boys, and everybody knows that I like to play with little boys.
Tommy: What?
Tim: Let me rephrase that. In a world of little boys, I am the one to beat them.
Tommy: WHAT?
Tim: Don't quote me on that.

Ringside...

Announcer: The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is a triple threat last man standing match!

[the offspring's "pretty fly for a white guy" hits]

Announcer: Making his way to the ring, accompanied by Sarah Serra Carter, from Mountain View, California...Daniel Clemens!

Charles: Daniel is widely regarded in the WASP community as having both an "X" AND a "Y" chromosome.
Anthony: Chuck, you failed biology class, didn't you?
Charles: Yes, I did. How'd you know?

[limp bizkit's "my way" hits]

Announcer: Making his way to the ring, from Jacksonville, Florida...Fred Durst!

Anthony: The man with the short temper has arrived.
Charles: A temper's not the only thing that's short about Fred. How Christina ever gave him head is a mystery.

[public enemy's "fight the power" hits]

Announcer: Making his way to the ring, from Mountain View, California...Tim Farrell!

Anthony: Technically speaking, a man Tim's age should be in the kitchen making cookies, not wrestling. However, because of Tim's decision to participate tonight, the producers of Wrestlepalooza want to make it abundantly clear that they are in no way responsible for any injury incurred by Tim during the match.
Charles: That's right, Tony! Cover our asses!

[bell rings]

Anthony: Daniel and Tim team up early to lift Fred from both ends and deliver a devastating body slam.
Charles: Wow. How much do you think Fred weighs?
Anthony: I dunno. 200 pounds?
Charles: No way! That fat head of his is easily 22 pounds. Do you know that the typical human head weighs eight pounds?
Anthony: Did you know that Bea Arthur, in only seven years on The Golden Girls, passed wind 16,303 times?
Charles: Do you know that the bees and dogs can smell fear?
Anthony: Did you know that Bambi is a BOY?
Charles: Do you know that my next door neighbor has three rabbits?
Anthony: I...I can't compete with that.
Charles: Just as Tim looks away, Daniel pushes him over the top rope and goes for the cover on Fred. 1-2-3-4-and Fred kicks out.
Anthony: Daniel kicks Fred in the chest a few times and sets himself up on the top rope for an aerial maneuver, but Tim yanks Daniel off the turnpost and into the steel steps before anything can happen.
Charles: Tim re-enters the ring to find Fred alive and kicking and the two exchange bodily fluids.
Anthony: Bodily fluids?
Charles: Correction: punches. The two exchange punches.
Anthony: Meanwhile, Daniel climbs back onto the top rope and...executes a hurricanrana on Fred!
Charles: Daniel goes for the cover. 1-2-and Tim interferes to break the hold and go for the cover himself. 1-2-3-and now Daniel breaks the hold, gives Tim a low blow, and sends him flying over the top rope again.
Anthony: Not to be outdone, Fred collects himself and applies a choke hold on Daniel.
Charles: Ever notice how skinny Daniel is? It looks like Fred is trying to jack off a 5'11" penis.
Anthony: Daniel struggles to break free of Fred's hold and...Serra comes to his aid with a kendo stick she found under the mat!
Charles: Serra whacks Fred in the ass and Fred, clearly perturbed, lets go of blue-faced Daniel and turns his attention towards Serra.
Anthony: No stranger to sensitively dealing with women, Fred grabs ahold of Serra's head and makes a diamond cutter to order!
Charles: Fred goes for cover on Daniel. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-and Tim gets back into the ring to break the hold with a kick to Fred's head.
Anthony: Three men lay incapacitated as Tim rummages under the mat for...a bag.
Charles: A bag of tricks, no less.
Anthony: What will Tim pull out of his bag of tricks?
Charles: A sledgehammer! Tim Farrell is about to go all Gallagher on Fred's head and...hey, wait a minute! Somebody just ran through the crowd and entered the ring! It's...Eminem! And he's got a shotgun!
Anthony: OH MY GOD! Eminem shot Fred Durst in the head and ran away! Somebody stop him!

[bell rings]

Announcer: This match is ruled "no contest" due to interference by Eminem!

Anthony: Folks, I want to apologize for the gruesome sight you just witnessed. Please understand that it was unexpected and totally out of line. We here at Wrestlepalooza would like to think that we have more class than to stage a homicide on television.
Charles: I've just been notified that police have detained Eminem and his inferno match later with Tiger Woods has been...hold up! Somebody else is running down to the ring now! It's...Josh Karlin-Resnick! And he's got that blasted flamethrower!
Anthony: OH NO!
Charles: There goes the neighborhood as Josh Karlin-Resnick cooks Fred Durst well done!
Anthony: How did he get past security? And what is he gonna do with that hunting knife he has in his hand?
Charles: Well, duh. JOSH KARLIN-RESNICK IS EATING FRED DURST! Look at him devour the lead singer of Limp Bizkit!
Anthony: Good lord! Wrestlepalooza has become the Jeffrey Dahmer story!

Backstage...

[watching triple threat last man standing match on television]

Jonathan: What the fuck? What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK? Tommy, I'm losing talent by the minute! Eminem's in police custody, Rosie walked out in protest over the use of guns on our show, and I don't know where the fuck Hornblower is!

Meanwhile, in a New York City night club...

[intoxicated and singing karoake]

Rory H: See that girl...watch that scene...dig in the Dancing Queen!

Backstage...

Jonathan: This is a nightmare! The PTC is gonna be all over my ass tomorrow! We need a break from the violence.
Tommy: What do you suggest, sir?
Jonathan: Sex. Raunchy sex.
Tommy: Right-O. I'm on it.

[tommy radios staff]

Tommy: Notify the cameramen. It's time.

Anthony: What is Victoria's secret? Find out...next!


HURRICANRANA • The attacker leaps at the victim and locks both of their legs around the victim's head/neck. The attacker falls backwards and flips the victim over.

DIAMOND CUTTER • The attacker applies 3|4 face-lock (basically, the victim's head on the attacker's shoulder with the attacker forming a headlock around the top of the victim's head as the attacker has their back to the victim), and drops down to the mat, impacting the victim's chin into the attacker's shoulder.