Anthony: Folks, we are just moments away from witnessing the first ever duel match in imaginary wrestling history. Two matches, one ref, total chaos.
Charles: Wowee! It's like having your lunch and eating it too.
Anthony: Come again?

Announcer: The following contest is scheduled for one submission and one bleeding!

[weezer's "hashpipe" hits]

Announcer: Making his way to the ring, from Mountain View, California...Alex Roome!

Charles: I see dead people...
Anthony: Oh shush.
Charles: What? Look at him! He's tiny!
Anthony: So's your dick. But do you hear me saying anything? No.
Charles: Asshole.
Anthony: Chode.
Charles: Douche bag.
Anthony: Chronic masturbator to photographs of Jenna Bush.
Charles: Okay, that's enough.

[styx's "mr. roboto" hits]

Announcer: Making his way to the ring, from Tokyo, Japan...Haley Joel Osment!

Anthony: They sure know how to make little boys in Japan.
Charles: Well, the Japanese aren't exactly known for being giants themselves.

[air's "sexy boy" hits]

Announcer: Making his way to the ring, from Florida and/or California...Ryan Condon!

Anthony: Soon to be one of Georgetown's finest, Ryan is best known for his three "I"s.
Charles: Three eyes? Don't you mean nipples?
Anthony: Uhhh, that too. People don't usually associate him with nipples though. When you think of Ryan Condon, you think of intensity, integrity, and intelligence.
Charles: And nipples.
Anthony: Whatever.

[james sanderson's "hail to the chief" hits]

Announcer: Making her way to the ring, accompanied by Secret Service agents, from Midland, Texas...Laura Bush!

Anthony: Believe it or not, the First Lady was recently named one of People magazine's 50 most beautiful people. Will she still be that beautiful after tonight? Or will it be Condon who bursts?
Charles: Will Alex grow any taller? Will Haley ever go away? Let's find out!

[bell rings]

Anthony: Alex slaps Haley in the face to start the match.
Charles: Haley slaps him back.
Anthony: Alex slaps Haley in the face again.
Charles: Haley slaps him back again.
Anthony: Hmmm. Why don't we see what's going on between Ryan and Laura?
Charles: Yes... Let's do that.
Anthony: Wasting no time, Ryan applies a waistlock to the former librarian and executes a german suplex.
Charles: Oh! He did it again. And again!
Anthony: 4-5-6-7-8-9...10! 10 german suplexes in a row! Scheiss!
Charles: Laura's body may have the consistency of potato salad, but she's not bleeding.
Anthony: Hold on. What is Ryan doing?
Charles: He's...stripping Laura of her clothes! It appears that Ryan has his first blood match confused with the bra and panties match.
Anthony: Somebody inform him that he's thinking of the wrong match! Nobody wants to see the First Lady in her underwear!
Charles: ...Too late.
Anthony: THE HORROR!
Charles: And Ryan Condon is the winner of the first blood match!
Anthony: What are you talking about?
Charles: Look! There's blood on Laura's panties. Ryan made her......oh. Never mind. Hehehe.
Anthony: WHILE the ref notifies Ryan about his little "mishap," let's return to Alex and Haley.
Charles: Haley slaps Alex in the face.
Anthony: Alex slaps him back.
Charles: Haley slaps Alex in the face again and...whoa! Haley ended the stalemate by spearing Alex!
Anthony: Taking hold of Alex's leg, Haley goes for the ankle lock. It could end right here.
Charles: Alex grabs the ropes and the ref breaks the hold.
Anthony: With the ref distracted, a Secret Service agent enters the ring and powerbombs Ryan, setting him up for a...what the hell?
Charles: Laura's on the top rope with Ryan, his head between her legs, and...wowsers! Laura just slammed Ryan's face into the steel steps outside the ring via a pedigree off the top rope! Now that's gotta hurt!
Anthony: Meanwhile, Alex [sigh] slaps Haley and...carries out a german suplex of his own! How many will it be this time?
Charles: One......one suplex.
Anthony: Yet one german suplex was enough to put the hurt on Haley!
Charles: Outside the ring, an almost naked Laura beats Ryan with a steel folding chair and...strips him of his clothes!
Anthony: Oh my God. Is he wearing a thong?
Charles: No. I believe that's one of those children's birthday party hats.
Anthony: The gall of Mr. Condon! Desecrating birthday party goods with his genitals! Put your clothes back on, for crying out loud!
Charles: Inside the ring, Alex secures Haley on the top rope for a superplex.
Anthony: And Alex goes for the crossface. Haley struggles and...taps! Haley Joel Osment is tapping out! But where's the ref?
Charles: Outside, dealing with our two little exhibitionists. There goes Alex to bitch out the ref and drag him over to witness Haley tap out again.
Anthony: Under no ref supervision, Laura comes a-chargin' at Ryan, and Ryan returns the favor by flipping her over his shoulder and onto some steel steps. Whoo!
Charles: Ryan re-enters the ring with Laura in hand...
Anthony: Haley throws Alex against the ropes...
Charles: Ryan lifts Laura up for a backbreaker...
Anthony: And Alex bounces back only to crash into Ryan, causing him to botch his move and sending the First Lady tumbling to the mat.
Charles: Uh oh. America's favorite lawn gnome has pissed off his comrade.
Anthony: Ryan gives Alex the stink eye...and stuns him!
Charles: Wait a minute. Laura's up again, waiting for Ryan to turn around and...boo ya! Laura delivered a low blow to Ryan and then raked his face! Not even Tom Hanks can save Ryan's privates now.
Anthony: Haley capitalizes on Ryan's stunner to lock Alex in a sharpshooter. Will Alex tap out?
Charles: Is the Pope Catholic?
Anthony: On the western front, Ryan responds to Laura's foul play by hurling her against a turnpost and laying the smack down with a DDT.
Charles: Alex writhes in pain but shows no signs of tapping out as Haley eats it all up. Listen to that demonic laugh of his: "HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Yikes.
Anthony: Ryan turns an incapacitated Laura over on her front side and approaches Haley.
Charles: Lookie here: a grown man, sans clothing except for a birthday party hat, groping a 12-year-old boy. What the fuck is Ryan gonna do?
Anthony: Punch Haley in the head, evidently, and knock him out. Ryan cradles Haley, rips the panties off Laura, and...SHALOM CHAVER! Ryan Condon just jammed Haley Joel Osment's head up Laura Bush's ass and fastened his legs in a sharpshooter!
Charles: This is absolutely disgusting...yet oddly erotic at the same time.
Anthony: As Laura's anus hemorrhages, the blood is too much for Haley, and he taps out! This match is over!

[bell rings]

Announcer: Here are, er, is your winner...Ryan Condon!

Charles: I knew this kid was good. In my opinion, he's the Pert Plus of wrestlers!
Anthony: Then again, in YOUR opinion, Parker Lewis Can't Lose was the greatest sitcom ever.

Backstage...

Wes: Fred, why are you doing this?
Fred: For the nookie.
Wes: Do you think you even stand a chance of winning?
Fred: YOU GOTTA HAVE FAITH!!! Keep rollin', rollin', rollin', rollin'.
Wes: All righty then... Do you want me to do anything to help?
Fred: Just shut the fuck up!

Meanwhile...

Serra: I love you, Daniel.
Daniel: I love you too.
Serra: Let's fuck.
Daniel: Now? We just did it thirty minutes ago. Besides, my match is next. I need to concentrate.
Serra: Well, you can concentrate on my ass!
Daniel: Serra...
Serra: Pooh. You gonna be all right out there?
Daniel: I'll be fine. John Leitch will protect me.
Serra: That's good to know. I still can't believe you named your penis "John Leitch" though.

And...

Jonathan: You know what to do, right?
?: Yes.
Jonathan: Understand that I am booking you and your sibling into the TLC match as last minute mystery opponents...for a reason. You make sure that those goddamn Freedland boys don't win. Got it?
?: Yes, sir.
Jonathan: Excellent...

Anthony: Who are the mystery opponents? Do they make you horny? If you said "yes," get ready for three way man-on-man action...next!


GERMAN SUPLEX • The attacker stands behind the victim and applies a waistlock. The attacker lifts the victim up and falls backwards, dropping the victim on their shoulders/neck/upper back.

SPEAR • The attacker dives at the victim.

ANKLE LOCK • The victim is on their back. The attacker grabs the one of the victim's legs and twists the victim's ankle. The attacker goes to the mat and applies a scissor lock to the leg.

POWERBOMB • The attacker bends the victim over or applies a standing head-scissors and grabs the victim around the waist. The attacker lifts the victim up so they are over the attacker's shoulder or sitting on the attacker's shoulders facing the opposite direction. The attacker then drops the victim down back-first to the mat.

PEDIGREE • The attacker applies a standing head-scissors on the victim, hooks both the victim's arms, jumps up, and drives the victim's face into the mat.

SUPERPLEX • A suplex off the top rope.

CROSSFACE • The victim is on the mat on their stomach. The attacker is to the side of the victim's body. The attacker reaches around the victim's head and pulls their arm across the victim's face. The attacker locks their hands together and pulls back, applying pressure to the victim's neck.

BACKBREAKER • The attacker lifts up the victim and drops them back-first across their knee.

STUNNER • The attacker applies 3|4 face-lock (basically, the victim's head on the attacker's shoulder with the attacker forming a headlock around the top of the victim's head as the attacker has their back to the victim), and drops down to the mat, impacting the victim's chin into the attacker's shoulder.

DDT • The attacker applies a front face lock on the victim. The attacker falls straight down or backwards, driving the victim's head into the mat.

SHARPSHOOTER • The victim is on their back. The attacker holds up the victim's legs and steps in between them. The attacker crosses the victim's legs around the leg which they put through and holds them in place with their arms. The attacker then steps over, turning the victim over on their stomach. The attacker leans/crouches back to apply pressure.