>>> Shit That Sucks

That Frayed Skin Stuff Behind Your Fingernails

These fucking things suck so bad. They come out of nowhere, and they're just extra skin. But this is where they get you. Try to get rid of them by pulling on them, and they'll take more skin with them, leaving a raw area of skin or even a cut. What the fuck.


Slow Rock

"Won't you take me hiiiiiiggghhhhheerrr, cuz inside I'm ugy like yoooouuu and I'm trryyiinngg too squeezzee outt a larrgee turrrddd." Man this fucking music sucks. They all sound constipated, and every damn song sounds like the last one, except they just add more deep grunting. That Creed dude is the biggest tool of all. Look at him.

Metallica sucks too. [That one's for Raffi.]


Taliban of Afghanistan

These guys definitely suck. They're the people in power right now in Afghanistan and they're basically making it a living hell for everyone there. They drive around in the backs of pickup trucks and search houses and destroy any television sets, radios, cassettes, and photographs. Now if that doesn't suck enough they also cut off people's hands and feet for violationg codes of conduct, as seen in the picture. They have closed all civil institutions and women basically have no rights at all. They hold public executions in stadiums where they just shoot woman after woman with AK-47's. Yeah, that sucks.


Dial Up Connections

The year is 2001. Two thousand and one folks. Get DSL.


Little Rat Dogs

Stupid little dogs. Annoying little fufu dogs that are either hyperactive or loud, and are always at risk of getting stepped on. Why not have a rat for a pet. What's even worse is the people who own these dogs and make webpages and talk on them "wike dis about der wittle doggies." Ugh.


The Widget Cartoon

No one liked this stupid cartoon. It sucked. If you ask anyone what their favorite cartoons were they'd say, "He-Man", "G.I. Joe", "Transformers", "Ninja Turtles", maybe even the occasional "Flinstones". But no one likes Widget. No one.


People Who Nag

Fuck off.


When They Make a Sequel and a Different Actor Plays the Same Part

Case in point, Teen Wolf. Great fucking movie. Why ruin it and make another one? Right, they shouldn't. Michael J. Fox didn't think so. But the studios did anyway, and they did it without him. So they replace him with the Joe's Apartment guy and fuck it all up. And of all things they named it "Teen Wolf TOO". How clever.


Eddie Murphy

Eddie Murphy sucks ass. He hasn't been in a decent movie in so long. Vampire in Brooklyn, Nutty Proffessor, Bowfinger, Dr. Dolittle, Holy Man, Life, Metro, Nutty Proffessor 2, Dr. Dolittle 2, and Pluto Nash. That's six steady years of shitty movies and still counting. He's definitely washed up.

This picture says it all, "I'm a jackoff."


Cold Weather

I know it's gonna sound like I'm bitching because I live in California and it's not even that cold and some people live in the snow and blah blah blah. Well, I come from sunny Southern Cal, none of this Northern California actual winter stuff. San Francisco is getting nippily. I wish I could just wear shorts all the time, but I'd freeze my nuts off.


Limp Dicklint's Lead Singer Fred Durst

This guy is a virus. He's everywhere. He was driving a Rolls in a Lil Bow Wow video. What the hell is going on. I'm pretty sure everyone's aware that he blows. "My way or the highwaaay." Now there's a genius lyric if I ever heard one. As my co-worker put it, "Fred Durst must've bought a book of cliches for $8.99 and used it to make three albums."

"It's limp."


Homeless People Who Don't Make an Effort to Get Your Change

Last night a homeless guy walked up to us and said "I'm trying to buy me a Cadillac, but I'll settle for the gas money for a Volkswagon." Now that was funny. We gave him a quarter. But then you get these guys who come up and have nothing funny or interesting to say and just want change. Now I know they're hungry, and that's why they're not funny. If you're hungry, you're thinking about how you're hungry, and it's hard to think of something clever to say to get some change. But it's hard when I got so many homeless people to choose from, and just a little bit of change. The funny ones always prevail.


Scientologists and the Movies They Make

Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I'm fully aware this was an easy target but it had to be said.


Finding Bones or Cartilage in Your Food

Eating should be a care-free task. Nothing to think about except how what you're eating tastes. So nothing fucks that up worse than eating some food and biting into a chunk of something that shouldn't be there. You gotta look through your mouth and find that chunk of shit and it's already ruined your meal. The rest of the time you're looking at every bite just in case soemthing else landed in there. Don't get me started on veins in hot dogs.


The Guy Who Hosts Extreme Police Videos on FOX

Shit, I enjoy a good police chase like the next guy, but this fucker ruins everything. His name is John Bunnell and he's the "witty" host with all the "clever" puns. They'll get into some cool video of a high speed chase involving a drug dealer and everything's going great up until this schmuck chimes in with something like, "This drug pusher pushed his luck when he pushed the limits and pushed the cops over the limit while pushing the pedal down hard and pushing pushy push push." All of that shit said in a scratchy, annoying voice. Yeah, he sucks.


Nelly

I never thought it was possible to plug two of your own songs in one three word sentence but Nelly proved me wrong. I saw him on TV and he all he did was look at the camera and said, "Country grammar style, E.I." Amazing.


Crack Whores

Crack whores suck, literally. OK, that was cheap. Anyway, I once saw something on 20/20 about a crack whore living in San Francisco. Her average day was sleeping for a couple hours, waking up and "shooting enough heroin or smoking enough crack to be able to stand the smells of a stranger's genitals, then turning enough tricks to get more crack." Man that must suck.


Ravers

I know everyone hates ravers but I had to add them. They populate a lot of art school here in SF. They sit on the bus with their terrible house music playing loud enough for everyone to hear and say things like "Oaktown back up in dis biatch." I'd like to choke them with their colorful pacifiers and shove glow sticks in their eyesockets. It's fun to call them E-Tards.


Street Preachers

I am not a religious person and I don't have a problem with people believing whatever they want, but as soon as you invade my personal space and try to preach your thoughts on me, then you can suck a dick. Especially if you try to impose your idealogies on me while I'm eating a pizza downtown.


Police in Safe Towns

If you've ever lived in a town with a low crime rate then you know that cops with nothing to do suck. As soon as something moderately important happens they're all there just standing around. I once saw at least 40 cops at one sobreity check stop at about 2AM. Nothing better to do then sit around and act important. Schmucks.


Chunks of Bleu Cheese

I'm totally down for some Bob's Big Boy bleu cheese dressing, but fuck the lumps of real bleu cheese in there. That shit ain't right.


Email Forwards

Email forwards are gay shit. No one's gonna get 1000 bucks from Microsoft or save a little girl with cancer so cut the bullshit.


Gay Sex

Enough said.


Stepping in Gum

Stepping in gum sucks because if you can't get it out you feel all fucked up when you walk, and if you pull it out you're no doubt touchin someone's saliva covered gum.

I'm fully aware that is a shitty picture to represent the subject, but it's the only gum related pic I could find.



Morning

Waking up in the morning sucks so much ass. I love my snooze button. It is my friend. It brings me extra sleep and in exchange I touch it softly every once in a while.


Not Enough Sleep

This goes along with the last thing but it sucks all on its own. Having not enough sleep is fucked. You have to go through the rest of the day with this shitty, half-agitated feeling and you can't get rid of the morning breath no matter how much you brush. Unfortunately, I'm always up late so it's my fault. Ah well.


Forced Kindess

Ever gone to Ross or a department store like K-Mart where the people who work there just don't give a fuck anymore. But their register computer screen tells them to say "Hi" and say "Thank You" even though they don't care. And then they do it really half-assed and look pissed about it. Fuck that shit man, I'd rather they didn't do shit at all. I know what working a shit job is like, and I had to do the forced kindess. Fuck that.


Running out of toilet paper

You're taking a shit and you realize you don't have anything to wipe with. Then you do that "keep my ass over the toilet while I search cupboards for something paper-like" deal and eventually you gotta tell someone to get some from the other bathroom and put it outside your door. Then you gotta half squat and open the door and hope no one sees your shit covered ass bending down to pick it up. Worst part is I never remember to always look for the paper to be there first.


Burning your tongue

It's such a fucked up feeling when you drink something that's too hot and then top of your tongue gets all burnt and hurts and nothing tastes good for the rest of the day. Plus the fucked up feeling sticks around for a long time.


Puking after drinking

Drinking a lot is great. Hugging a toilet for a couple hours sucks. I've gotten good at holding my liquor, but I used to puke up a storm. Man that sucked. I still remember the time I puked all over my boxer shorts at a hotel and had no change of clothes. What a lovely situation.


© Punogre 1998-2001