Shit That I'm Going to Hell For
Coin Drop Catch Machine + Randall
Me and a friend once walked into a Taco Bell where they had one of those "Drop a coin and catch it and win a free meal" machines that collect money for starving kids. We walked up to the machine, picked it up, and walked out of the Taco Bell. We drove a little farther down the road, dumped the water out, and took the coins to one of those coin counting machines at the supermarket. We got about 35 bucks out of the whole thing, and my friend still has the machine in his room.

...and for this, I'm going to Hell.
How does she... + Ogre
Today I saw a chick on the bus who was about my age and she had under-developed arms. They were less than half the length of a normal arm. The entire time we were on the bus I was trying to figure out just how she manages to "clean up" after using the bathroom. My friend suggested that she owned a bidet. That made sense, but then I began to wonder how she got off. I even put my arms halfway inside my shirt and tried to reach my crotch.

...and for this, I am going to Hell.
Hawaiian Hazard + Ogre
Me, my mom, and my brother were on vacation in Hawaii. Someone who was staying in the same beach-front hotel as us drowned in the ocean. They pulled him out onto the beach and tried to give him CPR but he died. He was someone's dad and husband. After about 10 minutes had passed my brother and I started making jokes about how bad the rest of that family's vacation was gonna be. We were making sounds like "Wah Wah Waaaah" imitating that trumpet sound byte they use when something goes wrong.

Man, we're going to Hell.
Battarazis! + Sarge
My Bass has a wireless system. It requires a 9-volt battery, and I usually have to change it every show to maintain good sound quality. The tip I always give people is to buy batteries from 99 cent stores. Sure they're crappy and run out really quick, but you get can get like 20 "Eveready" double A batteries compared to 4 "Duracell Ultras." So every day before a show I pop in and buy 2 of those 9-volts. But the problem is, the lines for those stores are so god damn long (I don't know why either, it's not like they have a problem with price checks). So I thought in my mind "Fuck this, I'm stealing from them." And I didn't steal like one pack, I got 3 sets, some chap stick, and a 4 pack of those little 5 packs of Big Red.

...And for this, I'm going to hell.
Epileptic Diversion + Ogre
When I was a freshman in high school, me and some friends went to a bookstore intent on stealing some porno mags. We got the magazines, put them into our friend's backpack, and prepared to leave the store. The only thing we needed was a diversion, so we sent one of our friends up to the information counter to ask a question. At that moment, a customer near the front of the store started having a seizure. He fell to the floor and was shaking. People started screaming and yelling for help. We saw this as the perfect time to run out of the store, so we did. The magazines had hidden tags inside, and set off the alarms as we left. If the guy wasn't having his seizure, we would've been caught shoplifting porn.

...and for this, I am REALLY going to hell.
Poverty Punch + Ogre
Goodwill is the best place to get t-shirts. They have the best variety of stuff, and they're only 99 cents. Even with that cheap price, I still felt compelled to shoplift. Maybe it was for the adrenaline, or I didn't want to break my $20 bill. Whatever it was, I put the Athletics shirt on and walked out of the store. My friends gave me a "Poverty Punch" for stealing from the poor. So yeah, I stole from Goodwill.

...and for this, I am going to hell.
Handicapped Midgets + Ogre
One time I saw a homeless midget in a wheelchair. I tried as hard as I could not to laugh, but I had to. I wasn't laughing at the guy, or his situation. I laughed because I suddenly realized that somewhere in the world there are people making miniature wheelchairs for handicapped midgets.

...and for this, I am going to hell.

© Punogre 2002